


Between Fantasy and Reality

by JanaRumpandRCJawnn (JanaRumpandRCJawwn)



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Blackwatch Era, M/M, Miscommunication, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 10:24:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17201741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanaRumpandRCJawwn/pseuds/JanaRumpandRCJawnn
Summary: In which Genji tries to avoid socializing by joining the weekly Blackwatch game night, and discovers that one can learn a lot more from games than one might think.





	Between Fantasy and Reality

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TBGkaru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBGkaru/gifts).



> (I suppose I should warn there are some soft-spoilers for the first 24 episodes of Critical Role's 2nd Campaign)

Sometimes Genji’s mind was the worst place to be at. Overwatch was supposed to be a fresh start, but how much of a fresh start can you get when half your body is not yours anymore? He was a weapon to destroy the Shimada clan. And even if Genji and everyone with half a brain could tell they would send him away when he outlived his usefulness, Reyes would act like that wasn’t true and insist on him _being social_. 

Genji had been reluctant of course. He had seen the looks, had heard people whispering when they hadn’t seen him. Still, he could only completely avoid human interaction for so long before the shrink started implying that if he didn’t at least try he would be deemed unfit for missions. 

It wasn’t like he had to be successful at it, he just had to try. Unfortunately, besides Ziegler (who was busy with a mission somewhere in the United States) he couldn’t even think where to start. Blackwatch was the most viable option, which implicitly left only two options at the table: Moira or Mccree. The first was not one that he was particularly fond of trying; there was something about the way she stared at him that always looked more like scientific curiosity than anything else. Mccree was the more obvious choice, the main problem being Genji could see where this would lead. He knew himself far too well at this point and Mccree was just the sort of man he would have tried to get into bed before. Not that he could do anything about it anymore; this body hadn’t been designed for anything but killing that assuming Mccree would even want to try something of the sorts. Which Genji doubted. He had decided his action plan to be the most effective. Blackwatch weekly used the recreation room for a game night, Genji himself didn’t play or attend it, but he knew both Mccree and Reyes did. If he made sure the Commander saw him putting up a convincing act, the issue should be resolved. 

The following Thursday night he made his way to the room, expecting to find a group of old grungy Blackwatch agents playing poker. Instead he found Reyes, Mccree, Moira and Ana’s daughter sitting around the big wooden table with all sorts of assembled miniatures in what seemed to be the nerdiest and most surreal scene he had ever seen. For a moment he considered just backing out and completely forgetting this. However, he wasn’t fast enough to avoid Mccree’s glance and the cowboy smiled at him. 

“Shimada, came to join us?” The rest of the group’s gaze fell onto him and Genji absolutely hated this. He reminded himself that this was just a show, he had to just try, so he walked towards the table nodding solemnly as he did so. “I had no idea you liked rpg’s.”

Genji had to admit he was a bit astonished by the fact that Commander Reyes and Doctor O’Deorain played rpgs with Mccree and the young Amari was so unlikely that he couldn’t even begin to think where to start. He ended up just standing there staring at Mccree, who eventually pulled a chair for him. 

“If you haven’t played before that’s okay” Amari jr. chimed in, energetic as ever. “You can watch us playing tonight and Jesse can help you setting up if you wanna join afterwards.”

Genji’s eyes darted around and he saw the way Reyes was smirking. Like he could see through the plan, which Genji wouldn’t doubt he did. He should leave, this was a failed plan, a terrible one in reconsideration, but as he turned to do so Mccree had started speaking again not seeming to realize what was going on. 

“I play a warlock, we are in need of a melee dps or a healer because Ziegler is always going on missions so she can’t play and currently is like two magic users and poor Fareeha and her monk.” He sounded genuinely excited as he explained and most of those words only made the slightest bit of sense, things he had picked up during his years at the arcade or the games he played with his brother while growing up. 

 

He went back to sitting down, folding his legs as he did so and just watching. It wasn’t like he would do much with his afternoon besides mope around his room and perhaps scratch at the little bit of real flesh he still had so he would feel something. Sitting around to watch the most unlikely group of people play a game seemed like an interesting enough perspective, it wasn’t like he had to join them afterwards or anything.

So he watched it, in an almost mechanical way. Reyes had done a quick explanation of what the group was facing and everyone’s characters. Genji couldn’t say he really cared, not until he realized Mccree’s warlock actually had the same pronounced accent as he did. He let a huff of laughter escape his lips, and Mccree had given him a half-hearted glare followed by a smirk.

This might just go according to his plan.  
-  
Mccree found him two days later, when Genji was getting ready to use the practice room. He had left quickly after their session was done, using the time the group was discussing whatever had happened to sneak out of the room. It wasn’t quite an ambush, but it felt like one. He seemed almost embarrassed to do so, but nonetheless he spoke up. 

“So, Shimada, you practically ran outta of the room yesterday, but if you ever want to try again. I could help makin a character and stuff.” He looked down, forcing an awkward smile and Genji wanted to swear ad roll his eyes, because Mccree was trying to charm him into playing with them. Clearly he didn’t actually mean it but damn it was effective. It was annoying to be this predictable annoying that there was very little he could do to resist a handsome man seeming so interested in his company. Even if it was probably just something he was doing with no real interest in Genji, just wanting to have more people to play that game of theirs.

“I’m not sure I talk enough for a game like that.” He replied flatly, adjusting the shuriken on his wrists. It still felt so absolutely bizarre that his body could store lethal weapons, it still felt so unnatural and detached from himself. Mccree seemed a bit disappointed, cursing under his breath and scratching the back of his neck. Genji tried to take in all the details of the body language the way the cowboy seemed almost earnest on his reaction, but it couldn’t be. Still, he felt shitty not doing it, even if it was mostly him using a situation to be able to avoid further complaints from his shrink, and perhaps have the change to look at Mccree closer and in a non-mission context. He would still be using people, and he knew how it felt to be used.

“If you ever wanna come by just to watch, it will be okay as well.”

Genji shrugged and whispered a ‘Maybe’ before walking past the other agent towards the training room.

 

He expected Mccree to give up after the first time, it was the only logical thing to do. Well, perhaps he had given up, but he still tried to _interact_ with Genji. The Blackwatch marksman apparently had decided to join him every time he appeared to dine among other people. Even if food wasn’t really something he needed or even that he could taste. There were nights his mind went to all the wrong places and he just needed to do something that gave off even the slightest tinge of humanity. The first time the other had joined him at the corner table he usually occupied on nights like these, Genji had considered just getting up and walking away.

“So, last mission, how did you do the weird thing with your short sword? I swear it seemed like fuckin lighting.” Mccree’s voice always did something to whatever was left of Genji’s libido, something about that low and rough but at the same time sweet voice that just absolutely made Genji want to hear him saying all sorts of shit. Ignoring the imagery his mind provided because in the end it was all an illusion. He still couldn't tear his gaze away from how Mccree had the cigar between his lips, his profile looking up towards the night sky as they both sat on one of the balconies overlooking the ocean.

“I'll tell you if you tell me how you do the thing.” Mccree laughed and looked at him. Genji had asked for an explanation on the whole thing where Jesse would stand and shoot like five headshots in less than thirty seconds. Every time his reply was a shrug and a ‘I just do it’, it had stopped being intriguing like three months ago. Now Genji just asked for the sake of it.

 

This time the reply was different though, Mccree smirked and turned to him. “Play some sessions with us and I might tell you everything.” It was so cheap that Genji couldn't contain a laugh while shaking his head. “Had to try.” The other man explained, the smirk still plastered on his lips.

 

A few days later, Genji was the one to look for the other blackwatch agent, he found Mccree doing marksman training with Captain Amari in the practice range. He wasn't quite sure why he was looking for Mccree, just that he had spent some of his sleepless nights looking through the blasted books and things. It was better than looking over information about his family, better than picking at the faults on this body. As he stood at the edge of the range, looking over to where Amari and Mccree were teasing each other between shots, he noticed Fareeha sitting there with a tablet. She looked up at him and waved, but didn't pay much attention besides that which was an actual blessing. He had no common ground with the teenager, just that blasted game that he still wasn't actually going to play. Still, it felt like he was lying so he offered in the way least likely to get a conversation going.

“How is your…” And he trailed off because he honestly couldn't remember what she played or anything about her character other than the fact she punched things and flirted with every lady that crossed her path.

“My monk is fine. Ziegler is coming back for next session so I'll be able to continue flirting with big barbarian lady.” She seemed excited if a bit flushed, Genji tried hard not to scoff at her young lesbian dreams. Not in a mean way, just amused at her teenage enthusiasm. If Genji was a better person, he would warn her about Moira, but he was not gonna get involved on this bullshit. “You have any character ideas?”

“A damage one? Not good with backstories.” Genji was not sure what to say, just denying any interest wasn’t going to cut it specially when he was here to talk to Jesse about it.

She pondered for a moment before replying like it was obvious. “You could always leave it up to Uncle Gabe, have a character with amnesia and let him surprise you.”

It was… a surprisingly good idea. It would also double as a way to make sure Reyes knew he was invested on this. Before he could add anything to it though, he felt a hand clapping his back and the instinct got him shoving whoever it was against the closest wall and pressing one of his blades against his neck. It was Mccree, staring at him wide-eyed and tense.

Genji let him go, feeling whatever was left of his cheeks burning with embarrassment and anger. “How can you be silent with those fucking things on your boots?” His growl of frustration wasn't actually directed at anyone, he just felt like all these things busing his mind were making him lose his edge and it wasn't good for anyone.

“Hey, Shimada, it's fine.” Jesse's voice was soothing without being filled with pity. He straightened himself up, and proceeded like Genji wasn’t a time bomb waiting to explode and murder everyone. “You came to talk to me?”

He should move away, should give up on this fucking plan. It was fated to go to shit, still as his breathing slowly calmed down and he stared straight into those brown eyes. The damn stupid question left his mouth. “Does Reyes allow homebrew classes?”

 

It turns out he could be convinced and there was an undeniable satisfaction on Reyes’ face that came with the fact that Genji was going to join them on the ridiculous nerdy thing they did. He sat with Jesse on one of the recreation rooms and they worked on Genji's character: a tiefling blood hunter with no past and far too gaudy and flamboyant for what anyone would expect from him. It was sort of amusing the idea of fucking up everyone's expectations. It didn't help that Jesse had been so excited and supportive. He was getting far too roped up in all of this, but it was actually fun to decide an imaginary person's little quirks. A bit like when he was growing up and needed to make up stories so his father wouldn't suspect he was doing all sorts of bad things.

When Thursday came had always his things done, Jesse got Moira to share some of her hoard of dice - she had seemed devilish amused by everything - , and by the time they were all sitting around the table. Genji sat awkwardly next to Mccree looking at his character sheet and being so absolutely sure this was a disaster. 

It felt so different to be a part, to have to interact with everyone. He wasn’t too sure about the roleplaying at first, that until he realized no one cared about the ridiculous of all this. His voice was not trained for all this, but it was fun to play around with his tiefling, whose voice he had not figured yet with mannerisms that were completely alien to this new body. It was sort of comforting to be able to act in a less self-conscious way, he focused on pretending he was actually desirable and confident. Everyone felt different, but in a comfortable way. It helped people were surprisingly nice about it, that between Fareeha flirting with people and O'deorain’s grumpy wizard, he didn't feel like the only buffon on this circus. By the end of it, he had actually smiled during small parts of it, they guided him into joining their merry band of misfits and Genji couldn't gather the strength to say no. Not when Jesse had told him he was a natural. He felt a weird blush creeping on his face and was once more thankful for the faceplate.

\- 

Their weekly games started mattering a whole lot more to Genji than he'd like to admit. His shrink had been delighted that he had gone full on with the socializing thing. Genji couldn't say he talked a lot to anyone else out of the table - the only one that made any effort was Mccree, but that was unsurprising. Not that he could quite complain about it, because it felt better to have him around than to be absolutely lonely. Even if the voice’s on his head would whisper the meanest things, he had a hard time actually believing Mccree would say any of it. It was something about his smile and overall demeanor, something about how genuine he sounded about things. The other man clearly had done some bad things in the past - Genji had heard about Deadlock Gang even before he joined. 

There was a problem in their interactions though. One that Genji had predicted even before, but three weeks into this new routine of constant contact with Jesse Mccree, he could see and feel the changes. He would actually let Mccree touch him, perhaps even want it a bit. The feeling of Jesse’s big warm hands on his shoulder when the other was telling him some story he deemed would interest Genji from the latest mission or the scarce free time he seemed to have. Jesse loved sitting next to him in any occasion and more than once on the dinner table their arms would end up practically glued to one another - because now people seemed to realize Genji wasn’t about to murder them so his table was no longer off-limits, a fact which he would blame on the cowboy till the day they died. There was no real reason why any of the touches would feel like anything more than what they were, even if Genji had been raised in an austere household he had done far worse in his younger years. Still, this new body with all it’s weird sensory things was so unused with any sort of touch that wasn’t just either clinical or violent that everything felt like a balm on his soul.

 

At some point Jesse started inviting him for more activities together, like watching bad american movies or going on runs. It was weird to have a friend again. Mccree might seem like a stereotype when people looked at him from the outside, but Genji could now tell he was a cunning man. He could read most everyone around him with an ease that was disturbing, though he always complained Genji was impossible because of the faceplate covering half his face. More than once had his friend asked for him to take it off, even if just for a moment, his reply was always that Jesse had seen him without it on the dining hall. Even if it was just for second while Genji shoved food inside his mouth in a pathetic mimic of what eating actually was. 

“As much as sneaky glimpses are fun, I’d rather have you show me your handsome face.” Genji had seem Jesse joke-flirting with everyone, from himself to Captain Amari, it wasn’t annoying but something in Genji’s stomach knotted the wrong way every time it happened. So in the end he just rolled his eyes and flipped Jesse off before the subject changed. It wasn’t the first time it happened and he was certain it wouldn’t be the last.

 

The shrink was a quiet sort, one of those that base the entire session on Genji speaking whatever was on his mind. In the beginning it had been awkward, because he did not want to talk so he would sit with her for almost an hour in absolute silence. Even the whole ‘ordering him to have social interactions’ hadn’t happened during a session, but afterwards when she offered feedback and a quick explanation on the reports she would send HR and the higher-ups on Overwatch. It took a while until Genji felt like he had anything to speak about, now he just rambled sitting cross legged on a chair. It felt like a better use of both of their times.

“Jesse was telling me about how he got the Deadlock tattoo on his arm, and for like the first time in years I felt like talking about getting my ink done. You can’t see it anymore, of course, Hanzo did a fucking great job making sure not even a piece of inked skin remained on me. I still remember it though, can’t say I feel it because that’s not how that stuff works. It’s just sometimes I expect to see it when I’m in front of a mirror and stuff. Anyway, Jesse of course did gave the crazy suggestion that I could get some artist to draw it on my prosthetics.”

“That sounds like a great idea.” She always sounded so fucking agreeable and controlled, Genji knew it was just the standard professional vibe, still it made him think about his father and home and everything. 

He shook his head before she could suggest he actually tried that. “I can’t have a tattoo if I’m no longer part of the family. I explained that to him and Jesse went on taking me to get a tattoo on what’s left of my chest.I’m considering, it’s not like a use my wages for anything, still I doubt any artist will want to ink me.”

“I’m glad you and Agent Mccree have become so quick friends.” And it was hearing her referring to the other agent in such a polite and professional matter that it hit him that he hadn’t thought of Jesse as anything but his first name in ages. Like yes, he would call him Mccree, but that was in part because everyone called him that. Still, whenever Genji was thinking he thought of Jesse with a degree of intimacy that he hadn’t really realized he did. It wasn’t shocking, he had known it would happen, he knew his own patterns. It was just weird that it had to be someone else pointing it out to him, that he had been so in to all this that he hadn’t noticed it.

When had Mccree become Jesse in Genji’s thoughts? 

-  
He wasn’t _mad_ at Reyes, that would be stupid. Jesse had to leave for an undercover mission on Russia, it wasn’t like he could play when he was trying to convince half of the Russian mafia he wasn’t a snitch, still the whole scene that got him out of the game had been more stressed than he wanted. No one had told him about it, the idea that his blood hunter would lose the only two people there was a deeper connection was terrible enough - Genji tried not to think it also meant he would going back to his old isolated self. 

“There will be a lot of planning to do until the next session.” Moira stated as she closed her binder, mostly unphased. “That is, if by some incredible chance of destiny, Genji will decide to join us when Jesse isn’t around.” There was always an edge when she spoke, he didn’t fall for her teasing or the implications of it. 

He just shot her a glare before adding. “Why wouldn’t I, O’Deorain?” She wouldn’t be absolutely explicit, he knew that. Not in front of Reyes or Fareeha. He had got that she was making assumptions about it, always thinking she knew people better than themselves. 

“Because you tend to brood when not accompanied by your favourite cowboy.” She smirked like she had won this conversation before striding out the room. 

Fareeha was shaking her legs and looking like she wanted to burst on commentary about what would happen in game, but Genji couldn’t quite match her excitement, not when he looked over at Jesse and his friend looked almost sad. Genji knew he wasn’t a good one for comfort, still he touched Mccree’s shoulder and tried to do it, if only because it was what made most sense at this point. 

“It’s going to be fine.” It felt like a lie, if things went wrong with the undercover, Jesse could actually die or worst. He knew his friend was a great agent and could endure a lot, still Genji would have preferred to be there. It was out of the question though - Reyes had made that very clear - he was too identifiable. Genji had tried to convince him that he could be a stealth contingency, just so Jesse wouldn’t have back up if things went sour. Reyes had shot him the kind of glare that ended all questioning though. “Before you even know it you will be back to vore more swords.”

The laugh he received in reply to that was half-hearted at best. Genji felt a tightness to his chest, as he watched from his chair as Jesse got up and said goodbye to everyone. He wanted for a moment to grab his friend’s wrist to pull him down and kiss him fiercely, if only so they would have that memory in case the mission went sour. He didn’t do more than pat Jesse on the arm as he walked away, thanking everything that Jesse couldn’t really see the desperation on his expression.

 

Jesse had been gone for 8 days and 4 hours. Not that Genji was counting. It was more like he didn’t have anything better to do with his time now that he was gone. There were no news, which was unsurprising that was usually how things went with undercover. He had attended the game, if only to make sure Moira wasn’t right - she had crossed paths with him more than once during the days prior and had that constant self-satisfied grin on her face. . It had been fun, even if things were always a little awkward with only the three of them, it was cathartic to be able to actually do something about Mccree’s half-orc not being there, made him feel less useless about staying behind on base. 

It was becoming more evident that his original plan had not only backfired, but practically exploded on his face. Because he had as predicted developed a intense desire for Jesse’s company. Which was bullshit because it wouldn’t work out, still, here he was. Moira had caught wind of his silly infatuation and soon enough Jesse would too - his friend was not stupid. And then he would have to stop this interactions and give him the space. Because these were Mccree’s friends first and the last thing they need was an almost machine ruining everything. 

It didn’t help that almost three weeks into Jesse’s absence they couldn’t even play the damned game anymore. Because Genji got sent to a mission to infiltrate his hometown, a mission he’d rather not do. However, between Reyes and Amari he didn’t really have a choice but to go out there. It was a dull mission, mostly consistent of keeping watches on some places in wait for a higher up to show up. Not they ever did and by the time Reyes pulled him out of it Genji could feel his sword itching for some action. In the hovercraft his commander was going through papers, brows furrowed in worry and Genji couldn’t stop the question from leaving him.

“Is it Mccree?” 

Reyes shook his head and even if it was Mccree he wouldn’t say would he? Genji didn’t ask anything else, sitting on his corner and moving with the shuriken on his arm. There was no reason for them to talk, still Reyes added in that way in which it felt like he knew everything on Genji’s mind. 

“Bad news travel fast, if it was Mccree you’d already know.” And after Genji didn’t reply to that he continued. “Shimada, you know you can talk to people if you are worried about him.”

Genji hummed something that might sound like an agreement, because it wasn’t like he could talk to Reyes about how he really wanted to spend nights with Jesse, how he couldn’t because his body was not capable of such want. How he was grotesque mess of plastic and silicone pretending to be a person. It would probably be too much, get him some bullshit send off. It was better to just let him believe everything would be fine, that this talk was just what he needed. 

 

It was the worst boss fight he’d ever played through- well in all honesty it was like the third he’d been present for - Genji was practically climbing on the table to get a better view of the field. Fareeha was complaining for the thousandth time that they didn’t have a healer. Moira was having too much of a good time her wizard crawling against the wall and being dramatic with his low health. They had somehow dragged another Blackwatch agent and Captain Amari into joining them, Genji suspected it was just so they wouldn’t get their asses killed.

Genji did his best, he had already almost died on them when they thought they could ambush the big asshole. Still, a small part of him felt like this was a waste of time, Ziegler was still doing whatever in Germany and there were no news of Jesse. He tried suppressing that part because really what good would it do? He was there, he was having fun even if he felt underprepared. It took them a good one and a half hour of battle until, with a firebolt Moira dispatched the thing. He had been so delighted by that it didn’t even feel weird when he actually touched her, patting her back. Fareeha was shaking the doctor’s arm absolutely delighted. However, the adrenaline only lasted for so long, because there were rooms to explore and friends to find, either dead or alive. 

Their weird unbalanced party took a lot more time than anyone could have guess opening the doors - even with the people helping them there was no one capable of opening the locks. When they did though, Reyes had a way with painting a scenario on their minds, and it was almost as if Genji could see the crumbled forms of people he had only imagined. It was almost as if the relief was real. 

“You see the half-orc whom you’ve shared so many rooms with laying there, gagged and bound but eyes wide, very much conscious of his surroundings. Your eyes meet and he seems shocked that you are all there.”

“I run over and take of his gag.” Genji felt himself shivering because it was useless, and he could just imagine the desperation he’d be feeling if it was Mccree there, so he tried to be a good roleplayer. “I hold his face in my hands and I say: “You’re safe, I’m here. We would never leave you behind.Now let’s get you off those manacles.”  
“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” The reply came from behind him and almost made Genji jump five feet in the air, as his head whipped back he saw a very tired looking Jesse standing at the doorway to the room, carrying a duffel bag and seemingly all patched up from the mission. Genji beamed and got up, adrenaline pumping on his veins. Jesse actually smiled back, walking over and _hugging_ him. It felt good and grounding, he still smelled of the cheap cigar brand he smoke and of himself. Genji shoved his face on Jesse’s shoulder, for a moment pretending he forgot there were other people there. 

He could hear Moira on the background explaining what her character was doing, drawing attention away from them. Genji huffed a laugh and whispered, hoping the faceplate would absorb everything. “You too, cowboy.”

Jesse’s smile was always a warm and full face thing. When he spoke, Genji couldn’t quite say if it was in or out of character, their eyes locking and something both raw and warm filling his friend’s gaze. “I thought about you a lot those days, had dreams about your swords and those red eyes, and fuck, there were times I thought I wasn’t gonna make it and you gave me strength. I missed you more than either of us would care to admit.”

Genji didn’t usually move out of just pure instinct, because that never worked when you were trying to be lethal and survive. Perhaps, if he had thought more about it, or even thought about it at all he would’ve at least taken off the stupid faceplate. He didn’t though, just pressed the metal covering his lips to Mccree’s mouth. 

-

He didn’t come back to the table after that. It was perhaps childish of him, but it was not good to be confronted with the fact that this body of his would no longer be suited for whatever he wanted to do with Jesse. He mostly stayed on his excuse for a room, laying It felt so pathetic to try and be anything like a person; Hanzo had taken any chance of that from him. He remembered flirting with people and grinding against bodies on the dance floor, there were nights he had nightmares with it with someone taking off his clothes and seeing the metal and cackling maniacally at him. More often than not the face would morph into Jesse’s as his voice said horrible things that Genji knew deep down his friend would never say. 

Still, he couldn’t go back. He would catch glimpses of Fareeha waving at him and dart back into the shadows as fast as he could. He took more missions than he should, and luckily Reyes didn’t pressure him. He had just given Genji a knowing look when he had requested, but didn’t ask or force him to go back. His therapy sessions went back to being hours of absolute silence. Avoiding Jesse was the hardest of it, they were often assigned to the same missions, the cowboy’s room was just down the hall from his own and even if he wasn’t forcing his presence on Genji he was just _around_ all the time. 

Being alone was not easier now that he had spent time with company. He would sit alone at the dining hall during meals with people sneaking glances at him. His room felt as much as a prison as this body and he would spend every waking hour he could just training and sparring with anyone who would take him to it. Anything so he wouldn’t have to think about how genuine Jesse had sounded as he said those words, how his eyes were staring right into Genji’s and how for a moment the impulse to just lean in and kiss him right there had almost overcome Genji’s own sense.

All in all he was a miserable bag of wires and fake silicone flesh for what it felt like ages. 

He had expected someone would try to talk to him. He hadn’t expected it to be Moira of all people. 

She found him one night; Genji had had another of the nightmares this one with blades and Jesse and not being able to do anything with his body. He had decided that a walk was in order and ended up in one of the balconies overlooking the ocean. He had stood there for almost fifteen minutes when he heard her voice coming from behind him.

“Oh, so you do leave your room.” She sounded tired and done even with the ever present done of mockery, walking towards the railing and resting her forearms there before grabbing a cigarette from her white suit and lighting it. Genji considered just walking away, but before he did she continued. “Shimada, do us both a favor and stay right where you are. We are both adults and avoiding everyone like you have only makes you look foolish.”

He disagreed with her opinion, but knew that it was useless to vocalize that. Instead Genji sat on the railing next to her and extended a hand towards her cigarette. “If you are making me stay, can I at least have a drag?”

She shrugged and handed it to him, Genji hadn’t smoke anything since Japan. It felt acrid and wrong on his new lungs. He wasn’t about to have a heart to heart with Moira, that would qualify as a dumb fucking idea, if she was doing this she could do the talking.. After a few seconds of crushing silence, she spoke up.

“Is it fear of a relationship, is it because both of you chose the worst possible moment to do something about? Or were you actually dense enough to not see the dance you and him were doing? I’m assuming it’s not the last one because you were the one to kiss him.” Genji tried really hard not to get mad at her assumptions, but it was hard not to. What did she even know about this? Everyone thought they got it, when in truth no one came even close. He felt his shoulders tense as he took yet another drag. He could feel her eyes piercing and dissecting every move he made. “If I’m wrong, please enlighten me. Don’t just brood over there.”

Trusting Moira was a mistake, he was so very aware of that. If there was one Blackwatch Agent Genji was sure would sell them all out if it benefited her it was her, still perhaps that was why he caught himself speaking up. And yet, he was sure she was not the kind to divulge unnecessary private information, it less of certainty and more of a gut feeling, but he decided to go with it anyway. 

“Jesse thinks he wants me, that is until he actually realizes how little of _me_ that’s actually left. Why would anyone want anything if they knew all they were getting was silicone and metal?” He made sure to control his voice, the modulador helped wonders at times like these, he wasn’t really at risk of any vulnerability showing.

Moira pondered for a moment before gesturing for the cigarette. “Shimada, you do missions without anything covering you body, Jesse knows what he is going to get. Even if he didn’t, you are aware he is a grown man, he should be able to decide if he is attracted to you. If the problem is with your current body, I’m quite sure adaptations can be made to make things more comfortable for you. Though that is something you should problem discuss with Ziegler.”

Genji couldn’t control his eyes as they rolled. As if he hadn’t considered that before, hadn’t tried to say something. In the end it always felt foolish, Angela had already brought him back from death, to go bother her about something as egoistic as the fact he wanted to have sex was completely out of the question. He crossed his arms but didn’t say another word about it. In the end Moira finished her cigarette and flickered it out into the nothingness, turning to him once more before she left.

“Just have a conversation, that stupid game is one of the high points of my week and ever since you left Jesse has been insufferable.”

 

-  
He had spent the last few days trying to make sure his mind got the idea that he could be attractive to people again, it wasn't an easy task, and even after trying a lot all he could agree on with the voice in his mind was that he should let Jesse decide. If he ended up agreeing with Genji then it would be unsurprising but at least no one, not even his shrink or Moira or anyone else could say he was wrong. Genji knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, as much as he would’ve liked to. He waited for the right opportunity to breach the subject, finally one night as he was wandering aimlessly through the corridors not able to sleep and forbidden to spend another all nighter on the practice range, he saw the door to Mccree’s quarters open. He took a deep breath and moved in, Jesse was sitting at his bed fiddling with his gun. He didn’t even look as Genji entered, not seeming to realize he was there until he found his way sitting on the bed in front of him as well. 

“I’m sorry about my actions.” His own voice felt so detached from himself he couldn’t quite face Mccree, it would be easier to kill someone than to deal with whatever _this_ was. Jesse seemed surprised, but he still smiled. Even after all that mess, he didn’t seem mad at him. “I confused what you said _in game_ and let impulsivity get the best of me.”

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and it still made him feel warm inside, even if it was not why he had come here. “Hey Genji, no need to over explain yourself. You didn’t read too much into anything. I can’t even say I didn’t see the kiss coming and all.” 

Genji felt a mix of frustration and shame washing over him, if Jesse had known why hadn't he said something? Why had he let Genji make a fool of himself? He tried to focuse though, because if Jesse was saying that, it meant he wasn't just letting himself be swept by the moment, he had wanted this as well. "So, you're saying you're interested? In like, having a... I don't know what it would be exactly with me? You're aware I'm 70% not human? That my new body wasn't made for pleasure and stuff."

"Well, not everything has to be sexual and stuff. For starters, can I take your faceplate off?" The question hanged around for a moment, Genji was sure that this would be the first and last straw, still he took those big warm hands in his and put them over the precise points to take the metal off his face. 

The gesture was delicate and he could feel Jesse's breath hitching just a bit, he closed his eyes trying to avoid seeing whatever reaction was there. It couldn't be good right? the lower half of his face was gone but the scars remained on the bit of flesh around still. The jaw was plastic and metal and the lips were just there so he'd be able to speak. He wasn't expecting to feel Jesse's lips on the edge where the skin turned to plastic, kissing it and whispering softly 'Hell, Genji, you're so handsome, sweetheart'.

It didn't feel like a lie, which was the hardest part to deal with. His hands found their way to Jesse's shoulder. He couldn't deal with talking, he hadn't really processed that through all this time he needed _touch_ he needed to feel like this body wasn't just something people had put him in. He could feel himself shaking on Jesse's arms, could feel his mouth tracing every bit of exposed skin, pulling off the hoodie he wore in order to not shock people. 

He didn't have the slightest bit of control that night, not that he couldn't have stopped at any point, there were points he had to pin Jesse down and tell him that if he didn't stop asking if it was okay and just did it, he would kill the cowboy. It was more that he let Jesse have the control to kiss and praise and discover ways in which Genji's body could feel good. Even if a lot of the places had been taken away, there was something about letting Jesse's fingers explore, pinching and caressing and tickling. He didn't cry, he didn't lose himself he was just so overwhelmed by the fact he _still_ could feel pleasure that he was still alive. 

In the end when they were both laying there, Jesse smoking one of his cigars and looking out into the night through his window. The stench of sex and smoke and whatever Mccree passed for cologne infesting the room. Genji caught himself actually realizing he hadn't died. He was alive. Against all odds, against everything his mind tried telling him. He had survived.

 

There was something particularly comforting when next they sat around Reyes’ table to play, Genji didn’t drape himself all over Jesse, but he did feel free to be less constrained. Like he finally was able to do his tiefling justice. It got to the point he could see Fareeha’s ears burning with embarrassment as he spoke to her. It was almost fun enough to repay for the fact that Moira looked like the cat who got the cream.

Perhaps the biggest thing of it all was that now, as he sat on the table with them, he would take off his faceplate. 

If only because it left Jesse completely awestruck every time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope my receiver likes it!  
> This fic didn't help me decide what it was going to be about easily, and in the end the fact my receiver got into Critical Role was a the inspiration I needed (she does amazing art and everyone should follow her on every possible social media).


End file.
